The Coffee Cup

I’ve been dating a guy for almost a year now. After he left for work yesterday I got up, made my coffee, and sat down at his computer to do my usual morning e-mails, etc, which I usually don’t use his computer in the AM. He had left his porn site up. . . I know he watches porn just like almost every other guy. I accidentally walked in on him one morning and it didn’t bother me then at all. I actually felt bad for walking in on him and we laughed it off. What got me is that I started clicking through to see if he had any certain preference that maybe I should try, and I realized that it was one of the sites that you pay a ridiculous yearly fee for. I guess that’s what hurt. . . am I that bad my boyfriend has to pay for sex? That’s how I felt at first. I try to keep him satisfied and do lots of new things, and a lot of oral even though he doesn’t want to return the favor. Then I started thinking further. . . if he’s that dissatisfied will he go further to the sites where you can find someone locally to have a fling? I know about them. . . I had a profile when I was single for sh*ts and giggles (and would never actually pursue sex with a stranger). While on there I actually found several people I knew that were in long term relationships looking to cheat on their partners! So I just don’t know now. . . . am I being too paranoid or insecure? I am almost 30, kids, divorced, so I don’t really see myself as sexy as I used to. I still feel sexy, but am definitely aware of my early wrinkles and baggy eyes. Plus the fact that he’s younger, and told me he’s never had a real relationship before, which I am dumbfounded about. I do really like this guy, my first relationship that I’ve really felt connected and can picture myself with long-term. Now I’m wondering if I’m wasting my time because he has not seen enough and needs to play the field more. I’m ready to be settled down but I don’t see that he would be and am uncomfortable talking to him about it since I don’t want to freak him out. I kind of do want to know why he would pay for porn when I try to keep him satisfied everyday, and he still takes care of himself in the morning. Plus there are plenty of free porn sites?! Why pay to be a member unless you are upgrading to use the features to communicate or something. Why wake up and leave your girlfriend lying next to you to masturbate? Is it just because it’s faster, easier, and more convenient before getting ready for work? I also feel bad for even seeing his stuff. Should I have asked him before using his computer? And why when I ask him to watch porn together does he not want to and pretends like he thinks it’s lame? I don’t want to make a big deal out of it and I wish I could forget about it, but it’s bothering me. My other two relationships I’ve had they both watched porn too, and I know it’s common. I had major fights with my ex-husband about it, but that was more because of the bills, refusing to have sex with me then watching porn right after, and the violent porn he was watching. My boyfriend before I was married I actually caught trying to hook up with a local girl, saying he didn’t have a girlfriend. I don’t want this to be an issue with my current boyfriend! He is otherwise very sweet and great with my kids. . . . I don’t feel unattractive for my age and considering I’ve had kids I feel I am attractive and am told so often. . . but is he maybe bored with me and needing younger and sexier? It was all pictures of hot young girls. . . only one video. I don’t know. . . I sure wish I knew what it’s like to be a guy. This morning I asked him why he leaves me in bed to take care of himself and he got mad and said he had to go to work. It surprised me that he got upset about it because he never gets upset. . usually laughing and laid back.

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